My year of anxiety and the lessons I have learned.
It’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment when anxiety hit me. Could have been last year, could have been beginning of 2022, or perhaps it was post my Covid infection. For a long time I was able to maintain my perfect “i have it all figured out” image, until the facade started to crumble. Dramatic but so true! With significant life changes this year my body started to give me hard time. First panic attacks stroke me while I was at work, so badly that I had to leave and take days off. Unexplainable physical symptoms started appearing, and shortly after, the negative emotions started to persist — irrational fear, uncertainty, worrying, overthinking. As ridiculous as it sounds, at some point I had days when I was reluctant to go out, do groceries, meet friends or attend a lecture, as I was terrified of having a panic attack again. I was completely in the dark and had no idea what was going on, and the fear of the unknown and the illusion of having no control was driving me crazy. Doctors confidently claimed I have perfect physical health and then it clicked — mental health was unstable and I didn’t pay much attention to the whole stress that was going on in my life, so it decided to make itself heard.
Any person can/will face stressful situations at some point in their life which, left untreated, can also potentially result in a situation I was in. No one is immune. Mental and physical health are so interconnected, that if mentally you’re stressed, your physical health will be impacted consequently. An anxiety disorder might develop at some point and I wanted to share some lessons I’ve learned from it.
Looking back at this year, I could have said I had the worst time. However, I can also put it into a perspective and say that even though I had way too many bad days, tears, breakdowns, panic attacks and pain, I equally acquired so many skills, knowledge, and most importantly love and respect for myself. The goal is to share some of the lessons I’ve learned, that might help someone who is going / will be going through something similar. I wish I saw a post like this when I was initially confronted with anxiety, because I was horrified and desperate at times, fully convinced that there is no way out.
NB: I’m not a health professional, always consult your doctor if you are struggling. Also I haven’t made any experiences with antidepressants. It’s a personal choice of each person, but I was rather adamant about dealing with the cause and not the symptoms. Hence, I decided not to use any medication other than herbal supplements (CBD, Valerian Root and Magnesium Chelate).
Now this is what I have learned:
1. My number one advice — get help. No shame in starting therapy, any mental illness should be treated with a professional. A cognitive-behavioral therapy is usually the most helpful for people that struggle with anxiety and stress. Do not wait until it gets unbearable, because the sooner you start, the easier it will be. For some it’s beneficial to start medication while also doing therapy, again — personal choice, but a psychotherapist is incredibly helpful and I wouldn’t advise to neglect it. In Switzerland therapy is covered by the insurance if you have a doctor’s referral!
2. It can get really hard and overwhelming at first sometimes, and it’s alright to be scared. Allowing yourself to cry is one of the big steps. Tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of inner strength and emotional resilience. This way you can let negative emotions out and provide relief for yourself.
3. You will get a lot of gaslighting and misunderstanding, you’ll be told to “be grateful for your life”, “stop being dramatic” and “some people have it worse”. It makes you feel like your fear is irrational and stupid. Eventually you start judging yourself as well. Factors like good life and that you have things that others do not have no significance here. Anxiety disorder is an illness which doesn’t care about your status, money or amount of friends. Any problems are valid, and comparison is really not the solution here.
4. Understanding that anxiety is not meant to be your worst enemy is seminal for dealing with that disorder. Anxiety is a natural instinct that is supposed to protect us, not to harm us. Even though sometimes it feels like your body is against you and you feel like you’re about to die — just keep in mind that our bodies are too smart to kill themselves. The one thing that matters to our brains is survival, so there’s no some cruel plan to kill you. Unfortunately, an approaching deadline or a stressful exam will seem to your brain like you’re being chased by a tiger, that is why body is in full “fight or flight” mode. Thoughtful breathing, a cold shower, or a brisk walk will release the stress hormones and signal that you’re safe.
5. Resisting anxiety and panic is usually counterproductive — it just makes it persist. Now the trick here (don’t get me wrong, it’s way more challenging than it sounds) is to let anxiety be and just acknowledge it. You can observe what is happening and even take notes, you can get curious about it, or you can just let your body do its thing. This situation can be different for everybody, but my major problem was the vicious cycle “anxiety about upcoming anxiety which leads to anxiety”. So by reducing fear of it, I could also reduce the intensity of it and gain control over it. Even though sometimes it’s impossible to grasp, you actually have control over your emotions and not vice versa.
6. It was useful to take notes about an attack or an episode. Something like “today I woke up with pounding heart and my body was burning from inside out. It was very scary and it felt like it wouldn’t end. But nothing happened — I survived and the panic went away”. The point of this is to document the fact that even though this episode seemed extreme (and maybe it even felt worse than all other times), it also came to an end and nothing bad happened. That way when you have a similar experience, you already know that as scary as it seems, it will come to an end and you’ll be fine. Also any panic attack will come to an end relatively fast, because it’s almost not possible to sustain the state of alertness for a long time.
7. Try to find out any loops that you stuck in. For me it was for instance: having pain or symptom -> start googling the symptoms -> feel panicked and even worse. Or it would be feeling sick -> take a painkiller -> feel relieved for a bit but also disappointed. By acknowledging those loops you can then start to reform them, providing yourself with a better outcome. So for me it would be: feeling pain -> NOT googling the symptoms (no panic!) -> let it be. More often than not, pain would go away and there will be no panic attack as a result. More so, I’ll feel accomplished for facing my fear, which gives your brain feeling of a reward (brains do love rewards).
8. The mindset plays a major role in all this. It’s extremely easy to start spiraling or to fall into depression pit. Your mind can start giving up and tell you things like “it’s never going to end” or “what’s the point of living like that anymore” (pure lies by the way, that’s anxiety talking, not you). Beforehand I also used to have a really toxic relationship with myself, which I, fortunately, was able to fix. A solid relationship with yourself will help you a lot, so my advice would be to invest in it, be kind and supportive, and do not hate or doubt yourself at any time. I think that’s what really kept me ticking and stopped me from dropping everything and hiding in bed. Even in the worst periods I made sure to tell myself that everything is going to be okay and that I just need to keep going no matter what. (Relatively) positive mindset is one of the strongest factors that pushes anxiety away. Do not let it win, you’re the champion here.
9. It is fascinating how much stress affects our physical health and state. Anxiety and stress can manifest in different ways, which can be scary and overwhelming. For me it was persistent nausea, burning sensation in the body, extreme fatigue and weakness, strong headaches, shaking, dizziness and vertigo, tense muscles, bloating (and digestive issues in overall), loss of appetite, fast heart pace. There were times when I thought I had a heart attack, were about to faint or throw up or just literally die. At first it’s really scary and confusing and that was the reason I went to the doctor so many times. The response was always “you’re a very healthy person, there’s nothing to be worried about” which made me angry, because I definitely didn’t feel healthy. With time I learned not to freak out when I get those symptoms and just trust the fact that they’ll go away. Also, if you’d actually be in a life-threatening situation like a heart attack, you wouldn’t be overthinking it but you’d know. A side note here: do always go to your doctor first when you feel some weird symptoms, so you can rule out any infections or viruses.
10. Now, something that absolutely and quite literally saved my life was the physical activity i.e. workouts, yoga, walks, jogging, walks. I know how much everyone hates sports, and it’s always the last thing you wanna do when you’re mentally struggling. But from my experience physical activity is the most powerful anxiety cure. Of course, it depends on your personal situation and circumstances. However, I want to give you some little points that might help you getting into workout routine, so in case you’re interested (of course you don’t have to work out if you really don’t feel like it) — give my tips a try:
— what helped me the most is the mindset about working out. You really don’t want to make it feel like a chore but rather a privilege, a treat, an opportunity.
— While there’s nothing wrong with training for physical goals (I’m not going to lie, I dream about defined abs a lot), I realized that those goals were not motivating me enough. A possible reason is that we don’t get immediate results, you don’t get abs after a workout, which is really demotivating. Instead I started focusing on mental goals
— Training was making me feel strong, happy, powerful and resilient. Now that is the immediate result, a reward for your brain, which will stimulate you to do it again and again.
— And also I really want to point out the importance of personal preference. Don’t run or do cardio if you hate it, because it’s not productive at all. Find something that you would have fun with, a trainer that will encourage and motivate you, a group class with a great vibe etc. I’m a big fan of strength and conditioning workouts (so a mix of both resistance and cardio), but if I don’t crave it, I’d do pilates or yoga. So many choices out there, so go and explore.
11. A very powerful technique would be swapping anxiety with curiosity. Try to experiment and ask yourself “okay so I feel this way, now what if I start observing rather than panicking?”. Anxiety doesn’t bring you any result, worrying about something will not change a thing, so you might as well substitute it with something else, which might even (!) deliver better result. I noticed when I was feeling stressed in my body, I’d start really focusing on it. Sounds freaky but stay with me here — I’d focus my awareness on it: what am I feeling, where, what part of body is tense, what does my stomach feel like. Also try using this mantra: “hmmm” with curious tone. Whenever you feel something is off, you silently say “hmmm” and then you start observing. It feels much better (and less energy consuming) than panicking, so your body will with time adapt to this habit.
12. Breath ALWAYS comes first! An incredibly powerful asset that you have. Awareness and slow breathing literally do wonders sometimes.
13. Planning, scheduling and having routines. It helps a lot with everyday stress because anxiety is essentially the fear of the uncertainty in the future. Having a detailed plan solves the uncertainty problem, therefore you don’t leave much place for overthinking. Might even be helpful scheduling your breakfast, shower and workouts!
14. Don’t neglect your social life. I was really struggling with it. Anyone who have experienced depression, anxiety or just mentally draining periods of life knows that meeting up or even calling someone else is the last thing you want to do. There is no energy to even get out of bed, let alone socializing. I don’t recommend going out every day and filling your social calendar with catch ups with friends, dates or parties, but once in a while it’s just good to have some support and affection. If you’re lucky to have a partner, reach out to them too. I have always felt a bit better after I talked to my good friends even though initially I didn’t feel like leaving the house and talking to anyone.
15. Finally, just remember that you’re not your emotions and not every thought is actually true. Not just empty cliché words but important truths.
Everything takes time. Dealing with emotions, practicing awareness and grounding — see it as a sort of mental workout, you train your brain to do something that it’s not used to do. Just like doing 5 minutes of sit ups won’t give you abs in 5 days, awareness and meditating won’t deliver you tangible results right away. However, any consistent training pays off, just stick with it. Recovery is different for everyone, for some it’s a month, for some it’s a year. When I started working on it, I gave myself one promise. Under no circumstances, whatever happens, no matter how low and frustrated I feel, I will not give up. The journey is tough, but we’re tougher. Some days will be horrible, some days will be a bit better, the path to recovery is, unfortunately, non-linear and not as short. I was waiting for the perfect day to post this article but then I realized — probably there won’t ever be one. Panic and stress will come for sure, but the difference is that we learn how to deal with it and how to perceive it. There can be an excruciatingly painful days — weeks — months, but the only way out is through. And anyone is capable of building inner strength while dealing with mental challenges.
You’re not alone in this and I’m giving everyone a warm hug.